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I fuck up and get back again, I get to the top of the mountain and then roll down the slope only to walk another taller mountain. I set camp on the riverside, I go for a swim and come back not feeling guilty for being happy or living my life. I stop shaming myself for forgetting how to drive or be nice all the time. I am not guilty for feeling happy or having fun. I do not feel shame for standing my ground and following my heart. I feel fear and tell myself it is natural to be scared when changing a country. However, it is not natural to be scared when you are out alone and a woman — that is conditioning. It is completely normal that I feel anxious every time I expose myself to new people and places. What is not okay is I don’t come out if the first person I met on the street whistled at me with lingering saliva like I was candy. It is okay to be mean when necessary and not feel guilty. It is more than fine to have fun and go back to have more fun and more and more. There is no such thing as being too happy, although there is such a thing as being too sad okay? I become sad and I ask myself how much time would my sadness take away from my life and then I do not have an answer but the question humours my sadness and makes it laugh you know? I am a very lonely person at heart — you will never get to know that side of me ever though. I like keeping it very very private, my loneliness is intimate to me. It doesn’t let love stay in for too long because sometimes it teams up with my anxious thoughts and that is a deadly combination. It erases all the loving memories, the healthy habits, the healthy coping and chases me into a dark corner. My mind feels the fear, the guilt of letting go a good love because my loneliness is a toxic lover who keeps me away from finding a love that would heal me. And then I forgive myself over and over again once I find a window to climb out of that dark dungeon. The moon lends me some of its light and then I wait for the sun to shine again and I stay outside all the time for the fear that I will be locked again once I go inside. And then I find the courage to do exactly what I’m fearful of, I go inside and lock the door and hold the key safe with me so that I can unlock the door by myself and then I feel happy and content until catastrophe strikes again and burns the house and I swear that this time I didn’t do anything and I swear it wasn’t my fault and yet I feel guilty again and say it must be karma or something — but who’s? probably mine? no, I refuse to do that to myself again. Calamity struck. Period. End of story. I free myself of guilt again, ride on my fear and anxiousness about how to find a house and make myself a home. I will not feel shame for living alone. I will not let those questions from landlords about “how old are you?” “are you married?” get to me like I am doing something wrong. I will not let strangers feed me ideas about myself when they tell me “I don’t want to be friends with you” or “what’s wrong with your face” I know myself longer than anyone else except my parents of course. I will not feel shame for being myself which may not look like how others wanted to see me but that’s their business. My business is to be myself, live by my truth and die loving my heart out of that loneliness it houses within. Make myself vulnerable to the world instead of shielding myself, let it kill me if it does, my karma shall take care of any atonement. I wish to be strong enough so that I can be soft. I want to be honest in this corrupted world, I’m not talking about money but the backstabbing and betrayals that hurt deep. I may be robbed like that, I never want to let it turn me into a robber no matter how deprived I am. I will always find enough love within myself to not belong to a world that is cruel. I will stay in a corner or float on a piece of wood after the flood crashes my gates and I will die happy knowing that at least I did not betray myself. That I persevered while the world wished me to change in many ways at multiple times, and yet, I heard my heart beating the loudest, being my compass and I followed it to the end of the world and did not let my faith be shaken. I let my heart be my companion.
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