I Cannot Be Polite Anymore

~

Do not expect me to be polite.
I am pissed, deal with my anger.
The sophistication in my speech is dead.
How do you expect me to not scream—
the scream I have seen my community keep
locked in their lungs for generations.

How can you expect me to not cry and howl
the tears out that my parents couldn’t afford
for they were busy building a life 
and had no time to sit, laugh or cry
because they wanted their children to feel life
for their own was only meant to survive.

Do not expect me to be polite
because I am angry and pissed and livid
on behalf of my entire commune and ancestry
whose stories of being shunned
being told to abide by someone higher up
to keep their mouth shut after finding out the murderer of their father
to bear with living with their abuser
to be under the same roof as their rapist—

how dare you expect me to be polite?

There are some days when these stories
pile up in my heart wanting blood
my throat feels that scream build up
and my eyes feel that pool of tears
all of them wanting to be loud at once

My breathing changes for the panic;
and pain of all those past generations
rises up through my body, shaking—
my soul rattles to the core

and you expect me to be polite?

What a joke seriously.

I dare you to deal with my anger
for I need to cry a thousand tears 
that the mothers before me could not;
and scream a thousand screams
that the fathers before me swallowed;
and burn all those demons that live
still in our homes because we
couldn’t get rid of being polite.

I’m sorry— I cannot be polite anymore.

~

Note:

This poem carries the rage I feel for the repression and discrimination faced by caste-marginalised people through many generations of existence. It was written at a time when I was finally able to have deeper conversations about my caste-identity. This took place outside of India, where I found safety and people free of judgement. It is very difficult to find such safe spaces within India, where caste is deeply rooted in your identity. In India, a thousand biases exist in people’s mind and being of a certain caste can lead to character assassination in most cases. The idea of ‘merit’ may be true for an economic framework and climbing the class-based ladder (with added administrative struggles of course). However, ‘merit’ is a myth when it comes to the social framework of India and respect becomes absent. This also directly impacts your right to seeking justice where the way you are witnessed becomes coloured by your caste.

I hold this opinion based on the lived-experiences of people who have faced caste-based violence, whose stories are always undermined.

~